Special needs parenting

Tired

I’m tired.  Most of the time I dont realise how Tired (with a capital T) I am until I’m hitting… past my limit.

This morning I cried, quite literally, over spilled milk. Because I’m tired.  There was cereal all over Ella’s Pjs, in her hair, the floor. I actually took a photo a few weeks ago because I was amused at how different my 2 children were.  Most days, like 99% of the days, I clean it up no worries, with a smile even!  getting the kids to help clean (inevitably making more mess) like suzie fucking homemaker. 
Other days…  well, it’s like groundhog day.  I get frustrated.  I get annoyed. There was no amusement this-morning. And of course while I was cleaning up the milk, Ella tried to ‘help’ in the bathroom, by getting soap and water everywhere, and the cherry on top… toothpaste of course. smeared on the sink. none of this is unusual, none of this would have driven me to tears usually…  
but I cried. because I’m tired
The toothpaste and soap is still there, drying on the bathroom counter because I just can’t deal with that right now.  I’m in my PJs, the kids are playing way too rough, and I’m taking a time out.  

MVIMG_20200417_073011
My 2year olds placemat vs Ella’s. Same meal, very different mess.

Obviously there’s been a build up to this, but this is the *thing* that drove me over the edge.  I wanted to write about it, How tired I am, but I stopped.  I didn’t want to complain over something so small, something that I’ve handled day in and day out…  Why should I complain about something so insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

Recently I got told, by a complete stranger on my facebook page, that I
“should stop with the poor me attitude, because people have it worse”
and you know what?  she’s right, other people do have it worse, but that is 100% fucking irrelevent to my situation, amd my mental health. 
in other words, Thats absolute bullshit.
She gave single mothers as an example of people that have it worse. 
not that single mothers dont have it tough, they definitely do.  (I know, I was one.)

I know there are people out there that are much worse off.  I’m lucky, I have 2 healthy children, A beautiful home, A loving (although extremely busy) partner. I know I have so much to be grateful for, and I am! I know how lucky I am.   
But the whole premise that this person can’t complain because that person has it worse. is absolute crap.  Its like when a child free person says they’re tired, and then gets dismissed by parents because “oh you don’t *know* what tired is” well guess what? You can be tired before being a parent! 

If I complained about my morning I can guarentee people would be thinking
“spilled milk?  shit, people have it way worse than that, This b*tch shouldn’t be winging.”
I see it all the time in facebook status’s too, someone will write about their stuggles, and finish it with
“but I know I shouldn’t complain – people have it worse”
But for all we know the person writing the status could be one day away from a breakdown – pushing their feelings aside because they don’t think they have a ‘right’ to complain.
Every single time someone complains, there’s that one asshole that makes the person struggling feel guilt for complaining over something that they deem ‘unimportant’.

But here’s the thing.  You can’t gate-keep someone elses pain. You don’t get to decide what’s *worth* complaining over.
and You Never see the full story.
For instance, the person that said it to me, doesn’t see my full story, the stuff I don’t go into detail about.
They don’t see that the mess is after every single meal, the mess you’d expect for a year or two while a toddler is learning to feed.
They don’t see the change of clothes after every meal, leaving me with mountains of washing every single day.
They don’t feel the pain in my back, and my neck from phycially helping a gangly 9 year old to bathe, get dressed, put shoes on, helping her down and up to change diapers, lifting on and off chairs, or carrying her when she’s too tired to walk.
They don’t see the booked out calendar of appointments and endelss paperwork that sometimes honestly fries my brain.
They don’t know about the countless nights tossing and turning, worrying about the future. (“who will look after her when we’re gone”)
They don’t see the nights staying up late researching a new communication method, or a new therapy.
They don’t experience waking up at in the middle of the night to a 9 year old covered in vomit or smeared fecies, needing to bathe them, clean and sanitise all the bedding, the walls, the bed in the middle of the night – only for it to happen again the next night.  or worse, the same night. 
They don’t know this happens at least every couple of weeks.
They don’t see the welts on her arm from her biting herself out of frustration.
They don’t have to wake several times a night to stop her banging her head against anything and everything in her sleep.
They don’t see the 2 hour long meltdowns, where Ella slaps herself hard enough to leave marks, the meltdowns that I have to physically restrain her from harming herself, while Getting harmed in the process.

Happiness


I’m so grateful for so many things, But that doesn’t mean I can’t have bad days.
The phrase “someone has it worse” does NOTHING to help the person struggling, and further more, it does nothing to help the people you propose are ‘worse off’
Yes, of course I am well aware that people have it ‘worse’ than me, but what about the people that have it worse than them?  someone is always going to have it worse.

Would I berate a friend that is struggling because in comparison my troubles seem worse?  Hell No! I would support them in whatever way I can!

It’s ok to have bad days, vent, complain, winge, get help, regardless of your situation.  In fact if you’re struggling, you should do whatever you can to get through it.
Another persons pain, doesn’t define your pain, 
Say it again and again if you have to.  It’s not a damn competition, and you have no idea how another person is dealing with their life.
furthermore, Ignoring your pain, pushing it down and pushing through when you’re at breaking point, does absolutely NOTHING to help the people that are ‘worse off’

So I’ll leave you with this, if you’re having a bad day, but feel like you Can’t complain because others have it worse.  My inbox is open.  I’m happy to listen to you vent, complain, winge, whatever!  If you feel like you can’t complain to me because you think I have it worse, Fuck that.  Complain away!
My pain doesn’t invalidate yours, and vice versa.

Look after yourself.

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