Ella, Special needs parenting

Fear

My sweet girl, you are growing in front of my eyes.
and I’m scared. I’m so bloody scared.
I’m not scared of the things that most parents worry about, I’m not scared of first dates or moving out.
I’m not worried about whether you’ll make good choices or get a good job.
I’m not afraid of if you’ll get drawn to the wrong crowd, get into trouble.
no, none of that is a concern to me.

I’m scared of parenting a disabled adult.
once you’re not a ‘special needs child’s anymore.

I already know how badly people like you get treated, dismissed from society not able to fit in.  Stared at, or ignored. 
I’m scared of a world that doesn’t cater for you or your needs.
I’m scared of puberty, of how you’ll handle periods and hormones.
I’m scared of your body changing, while your mind may not.
I’m scared of mood swings and bras and all of those things.
I’m scared of how I will dress you, wash you or handle you, when you’re as big, or bigger than me.
I’m scared you’ll hurt me, not knowing your strength.
I’m scared of guardianship, power of attorney and of filling out paperwork that screams ‘mental disability’ paperwork that will force me to admit, you’re a child at heart, but a frown woman in body.
I’m scared of how teenagers will treat you, when you just want a friend.
I’m scared, of life after school, and what we’ll do to fill your days.
I’m scared I won’t be able to handle it.
I’m scared of so many things, but with that comes hope.
I hope you’re always as sweet and loving as you are.
I hope we find our ‘niche’ of people that love and accept us.
I hope the people out there, in the big world, accept you for who you are, and acknowledge what you’re capable of. 
Because you’re capable of so bloody much my girl. 
People could learn from your resilience, your strength and your heart.
You take everything that is thrown at you with a smile on your face, and looking at that smile, I know I don’t need to be scared. 

I know I’ll get through it, because you’ll help me.  Believe it or not, my baby girl, I’m learning so much from you, not the other way around. 

1 thought on “Fear”

  1. This sums up so much of where I am too. I hope there is something like school that he can keep going to, and (importantly) keep learning. I try not to buy trouble but I am very aware that puberty is coming and that he will likely self-harm more out of frustration. Mostly I hope he finds a niche that he fits happily into, and is lived and accepted.

    Like

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