I felt for her, I felt every word she said I felt it. The crushing loneliness, the feeling that no one understood, hiding bruises and bite marks from the latest meltdown. The isolation, not being able to go the the park and just sit and watch like other mothers do. Tiny things building up and getting on her nerves - like still brushing the teeth of an 14 year old, and most of all the fear of the future. Who is going to look after my child when she's gone. Who is going to understand how to handle these outbursts. In the end she did the unspeakable - the unthinkable. I put the book down and cried my eyes out. What an utterly horrible and heart-breaking story to read.
This morning I cried, quite literally, over spilled milk. Because I'm tired. And here's why that's ok.
Poop... not something I enjoy dealing with to be honest, and as luck would have it Ella has had poop issues for her entire life. And she also has a tendency for 'smearing'. If you don't know what it is, it could be sensory seeking or behavioural, and its basically smearing poop. Its uncomfortable. Its… Continue reading Let’s talk about poop
And now, as I sit to write this down, they've finished their snack and are happily playing. Reece quietly doing the shape sorter that Ella still struggles with, and Ella, playing with a stuffed toy and a car thing that Reece has grown out of and it clicks.
"She's so far behind"
With Ella's behaviour spiralling out of control and her self harming becoming worse, after talking to her paediatrician, we have decided to try medications to help her.
here's what I've learnt so far.
People are judgemental turds
Having a special needs child has been a journey unlike anything I could have imagined, there's Been the lowest of lows, but also the highest of highs. Ultimately Ella has taught me so much, and having the honour of being her mum has been so rewarding. Here's what she's taught me.
We almost made it.
2 weeks of school holidays, a week and a half in and it's been great!
Joel has been working long hours, and looking after the 2 kids has been hard on my own. I can't leave them alone together because Ella is rough with Reece still, so trips to the toilet have been a family occasion, and showering is out of the question until Joel gets home because Ella freaks out when I shower, and there's been a few moments but all in all its been good!
We've had beautiful weather, Ella has loved playing outside. I Even put together a playpen for Reece so I could weed the garden and hang out washing without worrying about Reece chasing the dog.
Ella didn't complain about me putting sunscreen on her (which can sometimes be a challenge), or meltdown when it was time to come in.
We went and fed the ducks near our house a couple of times, and even though Ella was scared of them, she took it like a champ and kept going back which is huge for her to overcome a fear like that!
A few appointments as always but they went off without a hitch.
I had a lovely visit from my grandma, who I don't get to see nearly often enough, and Ella was on her best behaviour.
We had A couple of visits from the neighbour and her young son played with Ella, which went so well, Ella was so happy afterwards.
And then today happened.
Today it all came crashing down.
We almost made it 2 weeks and I expected it, and I'm sure parents of 'typical' children have these days but I can't help but feel so disappointed.
I'm worn out, deflated and just done.
It was raining today, so I thought I'd let Ella run around in the rain, it was warm enough and I have let her before and she's always loved the experience!
But Not today
Complete and utter meltdown after less than 5 minutes because her clothes got wet, (I think) then she wouldn't get changed and the day went downhill from there.
She bit herself so hard it left a huge welts on her arm.
I had to keep her and Reece completely seperate all day because she just kept lashing out at him, trying to pinch, push, grab, hit.
She's been violent and lashed out towards me, Ive been slapped, pinched, my hair ripped out while trying to calm her, or stop her from hurting herself.
She's refused pretty much all food, all day.
I've watched my usually well natured girl throw things, bang her head on things, self harm, throw herself on the ground and just be violent and destructive -
And that's it. No well written, long-winded thought out post. Just this.
Word vomit, written on my phone while sitting on the toilet with the shower running. This is my life.
Hopefully tomorrow is a better day, we're off to Wangaratta to meet a new physio.
Now Ellas finally calmed down for a while with her iPad before bed, and I'm off to cry in the shower and wonder what the hell I could have done differently today.
Ugh. We almost bloody made it.
When Ella was diagnosed with cri du chat, I was told She would never walk. This was a huge blow, but as I learnt more, I realised with physio it might be possible for Ella to be able to do something the 'experts' said she can't - walk
Making the choice to send your child to a specialist school or a mainstream school is an extremely personal and sometimes controversial one, No special needs parent takes it lightly. There's so much to consider, it depends on each individual childs needs, the area you live in, what schools are available and so much more. - This post is based on my own personal experience, and is merely one opinion, and an insight into how I came to my decision.
I rage against the world as I see confusion on her perfect face.
I wish I was stronger, I want to scream, to cry, to shake them, make them understand.
To make a god damn scene.