But there I was in that room, at 3:30am, instead of sleeping I sat next to Ella in that very same spot and marveled. I marveled at the room I was in, the same walls I stared at blankly for hours on end while my mind raced just 8 years ago. and I thought about when I was here last. And who I was then. The girl that doesn't exist
And now, as I sit to write this down, they've finished their snack and are happily playing. Reece quietly doing the shape sorter that Ella still struggles with, and Ella, playing with a stuffed toy and a car thing that Reece has grown out of and it clicks. "She's so far behind"
I looked at her perfectly round face, and her beautiful nose, with its wide bridge, her eyes, set wider apart. I looked closer at the folds in the corners of her eyes, and I looked at her cute little ear tag, I noticed her tightly held fists. I thought about all the people that commented on her cry, the woman that poked her head into Ella's pram when she was just new baby exclaiming "oh, it sounds like you have a cat in there!" Genuinely surprised to see it was my baby instead. All the jokes about how I spent too much time with my cat while I was pregnant because Ella sounds like him. This medical book, written long before Ella was born, was describing her features perfectly. The book feeling like it weighs a million tonnes on my lap, to mach the weight I felt in my heart.
I've seen that 'the last time' video floating around (If you haven't seen it, watch it here ) and it's made me think about the last time I thought it was going to be ok. For me, it's not like a breakthrough lightning strike moment. It's the little things. The moment I realized that Ella would never… Continue reading “The Last Time”
With Ella's behaviour spiralling out of control and her self harming becoming worse, after talking to her paediatrician, we have decided to try medications to help her. here's what I've learnt so far. People are judgemental turds
I don't have time for a breakdown right now, But I can feel it creeping up. We've had a rough couple of weeks, Ella's behaviour has been horrible. Full meltdowns at seemingly at everything for seemingly no reason. Toilet time? Meltdown Dinner? Meltdown Time to get dressed? Meltdown Breakfast? Meltdown It gets worse - She… Continue reading Keeping it Real
So your child has just received a diagnosis.. Welcome to the club that no one wants to be part of, but I can promise you, That this club, with all its ups and downs, is full of amazing, inspirational and strong people.
Having a special needs child has been a journey unlike anything I could have imagined, there's Been the lowest of lows, but also the highest of highs. Ultimately Ella has taught me so much, and having the honour of being her mum has been so rewarding. Here's what she's taught me.
4 years since I bought Ella her first toilet seat. 3 years since we started actively toilet training. 1 year since We really dug our heels in, and along with the school went 'nappy free' almost full time. And Today, I feel defeated. I feel like giving up, I'm wallowing in misery, and you know what? I'm allowed, I'm not sorry and I don't give a flying ...
This morning, we were all up early (thanks Reece) and ready so I figured, fuck it, we'll head off half an hour before we usually do, it's the last day of school. We weren't even past our property line, that it hit me She can walk!