4 years since I bought Ella her first toilet seat. 3 years since we started actively toilet training. 1 year since We really dug our heels in, and along with the school went 'nappy free' almost full time. And Today, I feel defeated. I feel like giving up, I'm wallowing in misery, and you know what? I'm allowed, I'm not sorry and I don't give a flying ...
This morning, we were all up early (thanks Reece) and ready so I figured, fuck it, we'll head off half an hour before we usually do, it's the last day of school. We weren't even past our property line, that it hit me She can walk!
It hit me like a freight train. It was just like any other day, nothing new or exciting, a tiny little things just just set it off. It seems the grief is never ending, it just coming in waves.
For some new mothers, they slip into motherhood effortlessly, Toting their tiny babies around in clean prams, with perfect hair and pre-pregnancy jeans, sipping chai latte's and chatting. For me, Cafe's and Latte's got replaced with hospital canteens and cheap coffee, coffee dates turned into appoinmappo after appointment, oohing and aahing over my baby replaced by "whats wrong with her" and a thousand questions I couldn't answer.
When Ella was diagnosed with cri du chat, I was told She would never walk. This was a huge blow, but as I learnt more, I realised with physio it might be possible for Ella to be able to do something the 'experts' said she can't - walk
I rage against the world as I see confusion on her perfect face. I wish I was stronger, I want to scream, to cry, to shake them, make them understand. To make a god damn scene.
Physical vs emotional tiredness. So, I have a secret - My 8 month old Doesn't Sleep, but nothing quite compares to the tiredness that comes with a special needs child. Here's my 2am ramblings about why.
I came across this article a while ago and I wanted to talk about it. The article addresses why so many special needs mums 'don't work'. That is, don't work outside the home. the work that goes on behind closed doors is something people that haven't been in the situation probably don't understand. All mums Rock, and we should just stop with the judgement.
I promised the brutal truth, well strap in, because here it is. I never realized the isolation I would feel when Ella was diagnosed. How little I would suddenly have in common with my friends, with other parents. If you know someone or have a friend that's a special needs parent, this will give you an insight to how they may feel, if you're a special needs parent, you are not alone. Click here to find out more.
The afternoon I had to clean a bag of pooey clothes, and everything went wrong... A lighthearted look into toilet training a special needs child.