I felt for her, I felt every word she said I felt it. The crushing loneliness, the feeling that no one understood, hiding bruises and bite marks from the latest meltdown. The isolation, not being able to go the the park and just sit and watch like other mothers do. Tiny things building up and getting on her nerves - like still brushing the teeth of an 14 year old, and most of all the fear of the future. Who is going to look after my child when she's gone. Who is going to understand how to handle these outbursts. In the end she did the unspeakable - the unthinkable. I put the book down and cried my eyes out. What an utterly horrible and heart-breaking story to read.
When you made that comment to your friend as you walked passed. "Someone needs some disclipine" I looked up and only saw your back. "SHE'S GOT SENSORY ISSUES" I wanted to shout. But didn't. I had bigger things to worry about.
I think about the phrase the day's are long, but the years a short, and while I most certainly agree, it feels like the last 9 years have flown by! But when I really think about it... well...
It was my birthday, 12/12 - BIG 35! I told joel I want a special birthday this year, a full day to myself to relax, drink wine, bake, have a bath, watch movies. I was going to jam pack that day with ME TIME!
10am - I was baking scones when the phone rang. Ella's school number popped up on the screen. I hate to admit it but inwardly I groaned... I had a full day planned!!
"Ella's had a fall and chipped a tooth"
I told Joel I'd be back in an hour (Ella's school is 40ks away, about half hours drive) gave Reece a wave and off I went on what would turn out to be one of the worst days ever.
What do you see in this picture?I'll tell you what I see. I see a child that's absolutely frigging proud that she'd dressed herself, so proud infact she wanted a photo after I made such a big deal if it. Usually she waits for me, and I help. I point out where the front and… Continue reading What do you see?
Firstly - welcome to all our new friends, I'm blown away by the response I received in the last few days! Much love to everyone supporting us! 💚 Secondly - What a year!! 🥳This has probably been the most challenging year for me and my mental health, We've had so many highs and lows, but… Continue reading New Year
But there I was in that room, at 3:30am, instead of sleeping I sat next to Ella in that very same spot and marveled.
I marveled at the room I was in, the same walls I stared at blankly for hours on end while my mind raced just 8 years ago.
and I thought about when I was here last. And who I was then.
The girl that doesn't exist
And now, as I sit to write this down, they've finished their snack and are happily playing. Reece quietly doing the shape sorter that Ella still struggles with, and Ella, playing with a stuffed toy and a car thing that Reece has grown out of and it clicks.
"She's so far behind"
I looked at her perfectly round face, and her beautiful nose, with its wide bridge, her eyes, set wider apart. I looked closer at the folds in the corners of her eyes, and I looked at her cute little ear tag, I noticed her tightly held fists. I thought about all the people that commented on her cry, the woman that poked her head into Ella's pram when she was just new baby exclaiming "oh, it sounds like you have a cat in there!" Genuinely surprised to see it was my baby instead. All the jokes about how I spent too much time with my cat while I was pregnant because Ella sounds like him.
This medical book, written long before Ella was born, was describing her features perfectly. The book feeling like it weighs a million tonnes on my lap, to mach the weight I felt in my heart.
I've seen that 'the last time' video floating around (If you haven't seen it, watch it here ) and it's made me think about the last time I thought it was going to be ok. For me, it's not like a breakthrough lightning strike moment. It's the little things. The moment I realized that Ella would never… Continue reading “The Last Time”