I felt like I was staring down the tunnel of forever, with nothing but blackness, there was no end, only darkness. And then it happened I was driving when it popped up on the dash "Service due" And that was it The beginning of the end
I've seen that 'the last time' video floating around (If you haven't seen it, watch it here ) and it's made me think about the last time I thought it was going to be ok. For me, it's not like a breakthrough lightning strike moment. It's the little things. The moment I realized that Ella would never… Continue reading “The Last Time”
I don't have time for a breakdown right now, But I can feel it creeping up. We've had a rough couple of weeks, Ella's behaviour has been horrible. Full meltdowns at seemingly at everything for seemingly no reason. Toilet time? Meltdown Dinner? Meltdown Time to get dressed? Meltdown Breakfast? Meltdown It gets worse - She… Continue reading Keeping it Real
We almost made it. 2 weeks of school holidays, a week and a half in and it's been great! Joel has been working long hours, and looking after the 2 kids has been hard on my own. I can't leave them alone together because Ella is rough with Reece still, so trips to the toilet have been a family occasion, and showering is out of the question until Joel gets home because Ella freaks out when I shower, and there's been a few moments but all in all its been good! We've had beautiful weather, Ella has loved playing outside. I Even put together a playpen for Reece so I could weed the garden and hang out washing without worrying about Reece chasing the dog. Ella didn't complain about me putting sunscreen on her (which can sometimes be a challenge), or meltdown when it was time to come in. We went and fed the ducks near our house a couple of times, and even though Ella was scared of them, she took it like a champ and kept going back which is huge for her to overcome a fear like that! A few appointments as always but they went off without a hitch. I had a lovely visit from my grandma, who I don't get to see nearly often enough, and Ella was on her best behaviour. We had A couple of visits from the neighbour and her young son played with Ella, which went so well, Ella was so happy afterwards. And then today happened. Today it all came crashing down. We almost made it 2 weeks and I expected it, and I'm sure parents of 'typical' children have these days but I can't help but feel so disappointed. I'm worn out, deflated and just done. It was raining today, so I thought I'd let Ella run around in the rain, it was warm enough and I have let her before and she's always loved the experience! But Not today Complete and utter meltdown after less than 5 minutes because her clothes got wet, (I think) then she wouldn't get changed and the day went downhill from there. She bit herself so hard it left a huge welts on her arm. I had to keep her and Reece completely seperate all day because she just kept lashing out at him, trying to pinch, push, grab, hit. She's been violent and lashed out towards me, Ive been slapped, pinched, my hair ripped out while trying to calm her, or stop her from hurting herself. She's refused pretty much all food, all day. I've watched my usually well natured girl throw things, bang her head on things, self harm, throw herself on the ground and just be violent and destructive - All Fucking Day And that's it. No well written, long-winded thought out post. Just this. Word vomit, written on my phone while sitting on the toilet with the shower running. This is my life. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day, we're off to Wangaratta to meet a new physio. Now Ellas finally calmed down for a while with her iPad before bed, and I'm off to cry in the shower and wonder what the hell I could have done differently today. Ugh. We almost bloody made it.
Reality Check - There's nothing wrong with being realistic when thinking about the future for my special needs child. - and here's why... You can hope for sunshine, but still pack a damn umbrella.
I'll never forget when Ella started at mainstream kindergarten, and we walked out with all the other kids and their parents, the excited chatter all around us as kids breathlessly described their first day, noise surrounding us, and consuming me, as I headed to sit in the car and read about Ella's day, as written by her aid in the communication book. There was 4 sentences. It was never as bad as that first week, I got used to it.
I promised the brutal truth, well strap in, because here it is. I never realized the isolation I would feel when Ella was diagnosed. How little I would suddenly have in common with my friends, with other parents. If you know someone or have a friend that's a special needs parent, this will give you an insight to how they may feel, if you're a special needs parent, you are not alone. Click here to find out more.
I had to grow up, and fast. I’m no longer just a parent, I have to be so much more. I’m her voice, and her advocate. This is her diagnosis story.
No one talks about the things we fail Since having Reece it's become so clear to me just how different it is with Ella, and that If I didn't have Ella first I would have no idea just how different it could be. These feelings caught me completely by surprise. It's almost like it made… Continue reading The post that spawned a blog.